I once hated the church, but loved Christ.

I once hated the church, but loved Christ. Many Christians at some point will struggle with church, global or local. I did. I recall writing, 'the church is no Christ.'  and 'where is Christ in the church today'. I couldn't draw out similarities between the early church and the church today. I blamed them on my growing apathy and lack of christian community. It scared me that i might become like them. It still does. I prayed that the church would become more passionate, more forgiving and more of a community. 

In the end i realised the problem wasn't just with 'them, the church', i began to realise the problem was with me, it was me. One christian did one thing wrong against me, and it hurt, i held on to it, it made me feel unwanted by the people who should have been loving and caring upon me the most. Then i watched and criticised the church for x, y and z. I got hurt again by another, and then another, and another. Had i forgiven the first time? No. I was once asked if to forgive you have to forget? I replied no. And i'd stick by that, you cannot (in my mind) choose to forget, but you can choose to forgive.  You can choose to live in light of the forgiveness you have been given (or are offered) from God. The forgiveness we in no way deserve. I have been forgiven, and yet i did not forgive. I do not remember why, maybe because of my frustration that the church is not what she should be. But then i'm not what i should be. I am only made right with God through Christ righteousness. 

My dad says i am able to see what something can be. I can have vision. I see the best. I hope for the best. I dare to dream. I consciously try not to imagine how things will be because i tend to dream them up, and then lifes events are disappointments.

Recently, but also not so recently i've come to realise that i don't have a close church family. (This is NOT intented in anyway to insult any of you who may be part of that church family)  Once again, the problem lies with me. I am too self concious to say hello to you on a sunday morning, to ask you your name, after all you may know of me through my father, but how can i know you without asking? But it is not just about friendly hellos. What i want is to be challenged to become more like Christ, i want to hear how God is working in your life, i want my beliefs to be sharpened, i want to be pushed to trust in Christ's strength, i want you to point out my flaws and to encourage me, and i want you to help me to pursue God's purpose for me. That is the dream church family for me, but there is a problem.

http://chrismccune.blogspot.ch/2012/07/problem-with-reputation.html

I love to read honesty, Chris McCune has a gift for writing honestly, and when i read the post above i was reminded again how much of a problem i am.

"Then BOOOOM, in my face. They weren’t my problem. They weren’t the real foundationary, root of the problem. I was. Me. My REPUTATION."

I con myself into believing that i do not mind what people think of me, when the truth is that too often i am too concerned about it. To learn to live for One, is to become more God-conscious than self conscious. It is a lesson i am never done learning. I am often too self-conscious, to step out to do what seems strange but what God would smile upon. The problem is me. The problem is pride, the problem is my reputation, the problem is my feelings. 

"If anyone would come after me, let Him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?"

Mark 8:34-36

Fused 2012

I am MEGA excited about this next week. Week two of Fused! Below is the program. Week one was amazing, thank you for your prayers! If your in Newcastle with kids/young people, bring them along, they will have a great time!  We are using Mark for both our own devotions and our lessons. Pray that these young people will truely meet and get to know the most important person they ever could, Jesus. And that they would as Jesus said, and Mark wrote; 'Repent, and believe in the gospel.' (Mark 1:15) That they would turn from their sins, and trust in the good news.

I will be like Him, in the end

'Be still and know that I am God.' 

Psalm 46:10

A simple verse that requires us to stop, stop whatever we are doing and be still, and know that God is God. The great I AM is, He is and He wants to be known, known by you and by me. The busier i am the more i need to know that He is, the more i need to know that i have one God and one Saviour.

I often get discouraged when i realise that i am not who i thought i would be. From i was little i wanted to serve God with everything i had, i wanted to tell everyone, i wanted everyone to know His love and my love.  I always have dreams and plans in my head, some are simple, some are crazy. Some are for strangers, for past friends, and others for my closest. But i can be shy, i can be angry, i can be too busy, i can spend too long perfecting things. I turned 20 earlier this year. 20 and i thought i was experiencing a mid life crisis. To most people, or to older people, your just twenty. To me, i am now 2/3rds of the way to 30, and what have i actually accomplished? I have dreamt about doing mission teams, being a leader in youth group from i was 7 and yes i have been part of both, but i also dreamt about having more time for people, more bold conversations about my faith, about Jesus, am i having more, or less? I still long to be who God wants me to be, to love Him, to follow Him, not just in part but completely. I always will, because He is so good, and He loves me completely, even before when i was in sin, and even now when i sin, sin against everything He is.

 I love that God is the Alpha and the Omega, that He knows me now, what i will do in the future, the 'finished' me, the perfected me. This week i was reading the following verses;

God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 

1 john 3:2

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

I cannot wait until the day i see Him, and i will be like Him. There is no discouragement in that. But for now what do we do? We continue to be still and know that God is God, to give Him the place in our lives He desires and deserves. And we look to His Word, and His Son, Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.  

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

(Hebrews 12:1-2)

The beginnings of a strange summer

Summer began back in June with end of exam cake, shopping (window shopping at least), coffees (if i drank the stuff), movies, and other spontaneous plans. Quickly followed by moving back home, Cork CYIA team and the family holidays. I've had a blast of fun, family, fellowship, and sharing the good news. Up until now there hasn't been much strange about this summer. This summer unlike many before i have time, weeks of it and that all started monday past.

Of course me being me, I have made a to do list. Currently five tasks have the completed status five, and others are on going, or yet to begin. Having this amount of time is such a contrast from exam time studying. I was so blessed following exams to be able to spend time with friends. On monday i went into Belfast to catch up with a medic in the making. She admitted she missed medicine, being at uni, and the busyness of it all. At the time i though she was crazy, i was loving the break from all things academic, but following a week of housework and not much else, i agree, i'm tempted to get the books out, and that should not happen, not in the summer! Haha.

Last summer if you'd have asked me how i thought next summer would go, i would have told you i'll mainly be doing mission teams, a few at home and one foreign trip. I've had a heart for poverty since i remember and i had this sense that this summer would be the summer for something big, or maybe it was just a hope. I inquired about two trips, but in the end decided i couldn't. 

So i now have plenty of time at home, time that should be spent wisely. I want to do something that matters. Doing nothing annoys me, i can't handle it. I struggle with not having something to do, and yet after the busyness of first year, you'd think i'd enjoy rest. This week despite having very little in the diary, i've made myself pretty busy. The house has been dusted and hoovered, the washing and the ironing is done (all except for dad's shirts that is, mum is the only one with the skills for that job!) and the dinners have been cooked. I've been busy, but i've still been annoyed. Why? In part I missed the buzz of being part of something i believed was important, the buzz of being part of a passionate team and the buzz of believing that God could use us to touch a life, to change a live, to save a live. Doing the washing just didn't seem to matter so much. I missed being part of something that mattered. BOOM, my favourite friend frustration appears. I'm grumpier around the house, and Mum ask what's wrong?

Truth be told i somewhere along the way i thought i'd lost part of my purpose as a christian. 

If your from Queen's you've maybe been reading or even writing the posts in Uncover. Post 18 is read alongside Luke 10:25-42, where we find the story of the Good Samaritan, followed by Jesus' encounter with Mary and Martha. The writer of Post 18 did a great job tearing the truth from the stories, and pulling them together.

Do check it out: http://www.uncoverbelfast.com/1/post/2012/07/luke-1025-42-blog-18.html
I have a love (or hate) for sweeping statements. They can be bold, and brutally honest. This one is from the blog.

'Any relationship built on a need for approval will not last'

As soon as i read it, i questioned myself, am i looking for approval from God by doing? I know that i am only approved by God through Christ's righteous. It had touched something though. It and the blog touched those thoughts, of a lost purpose. But i haven't lost anything. My purpose is not gone or diminished because i'm not on team. My purpose always remains the same, as Presbyterians say 'Mans chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' To enjoy time in His presence, being filled with His love. Out of His love all else will flow. I am not required to be on team to experience that. That can happen anywhere, with anyone, anytime. I can glorify God and enjoy Him here, in the ordinary, strange summer that lies ahead.

So here begins a strange summer, of continuing to fall in love with and be changed by my Saviour, my  Creator and my God.